Monday, July 28, 2008

Silencing the Heart

As I approach the day I was supposed to get married, I am working very hard on the healing process. It may sound unhealthy, but I am learning to silence the heart. No, this is not the same as hardening my heart, but it is working to calm the love I had built over the last 18 months. It is the process of letting go.

I don't think my heart will ever be truly separated from him. There is no way one can feel such strong emotions towards another and then have them end completely. I will always pray for and find myself concerned for him and how he is doing. I will still feel anger and frustration over what occurred, though hopefully that will calm soon. I have abused my anger a few times too many in the process of this relationship ending.

In one way or another, I think all our significant relationships will impact us for a lifetime.

I struggle to understand why I feel the need to share these thoughts with you, my readers. Part of me thinks it is because so many of you can probably relate to this process. I have never gone through a difficult break-up before, so this is very new to me. Through this blog, I guess I hope to find some wisdom, relation, and more importantly, prayer.

My dear friend (more like sister) comes into town this week to help me through this weekend, which was meant to be the wedding. We will have fun, we will explore the East coast, we will talk about these things only the way a best friend could. God has been and will continue to use Heather and others to minister to me as I heal. I feel blessed to have such a tremendous support system.

So that is where I am at. I am broken but am healing. Sermons are beginning to come easier, which is a sign to me that my faith is finding its grip again. I am talking to God more openly than I have since this began. Rather than my silence, words are forming.

Please keep up those prayers. They are felt and so very appreciated.


bexx said...

A few weeks ago our minister told us that Pastor Hasse had remarried after the death of his wife. He is a retired ELCA minister and had been devoted to his late wife of many years. During his current wedding the presiding minister used a phrase that Pastor Hasse had used many many times. I don't remember the exact quote but it went something like You never know how God will answer your prayers and sometimes it's an "Oh Wow!" realization. I believe that's what he thought as he was getting married for the second time. He was quite devastated when Jenssine passed and probably never dreamed that he could fall in love again. But he did and is very happy. Keep praying, you never know how your prayers will be answered!

Sue said...

Keep your faith strong and good will come. I am a perfect example that 23 years ago I thought my life was over when my husband just left with no words but then God put my current husband into my life when I least was looking for someone and now this Spring we will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. Stay strong, keep the faith and God will be good to you. You and Heather celebrate like there is no tomorrow this weekend and forget about what would or could or should have happened but more on your bright future . . . .

jamarson1 said...

I hope you have an amazing weekend. Us girls stick together no matter what you can always count on the best friend. I hope you guys have a great weekend together and discover lots of other revelations that may have not been there the other way. You are an inspiration to us all, Laura.

Anonymous said...

The heart is an amazing organ. It keeps us alive, even when it's broken. I was married to my high school sweetheart when we were both 21. WAYYYYY too young to be married, even back in 1971. The marriage lasted until May of 1977 when I moved out of the house and to Arizona. There wasnt' a lot of yelling or fighting. Just a lot of growing apart. It hurt. It hurt a lot and for the next six months I constantly asked myself "did I do the right thing?" A couple of years passed and I met my current husband of 24 years. He is my soulmate, the lid to my pot and the father of my two wonderful children. God sent him to me, I know this is true. I've not forgotten about my ex-husband and even saw him last September for the first time since 1978 when we went to his mom and dad's 60th wedding anniversary. I still get Christmas and birthday cards from his parents, I still talk to his sister frequently and I still get a birthday wish from him every year (we share the same birthdate and birth year so it's sort of hard for him to NOT send mea wish). Your ex-fiance was a big part of your life and he always will be. He's helped make you the woman and minister that you are today and for that he should be thanked. The fact that you and he are no longer together is just that, a fact. My wonderful husband always tells me, when I'm griping about some part of my life that I don't want to go through, 'It's a process and once you finish that process, it will be over." So enjoy your weekend with Heather and do and feel what you need to. You'll be fine. Really, you will.
Hugs, Susan in MN

Paul or Denise said...

Sometimes I wish we were the ones controlling our hearts, but then maybe we would forget to humble ourselves and ask for that healing help from above.

Sounds like you're making strides, so be grateful for your baby steps. (We always want leaps, but oftentimes it is just baby steps that get us to new heights.)